Recently, while on the phone with a good friend, I learned that she was dealing with the tragic deaths of two family members. They had both passed away over the span of a few weeks. In addition to dealing with her own grief, she was struggling with figuring out how to help her incarcerated son cope with the loss of loved ones. Listening to my friend made me realize that family members of prisoners probably don’t understand what happens during the notification process or what steps are in place that prisoners can rely on to help them with the loss.
The best way for me to explain is by sharing my own personal experience. It has been 23 years, but I vividly remember the day I learned my mother died. I was on the yard in Stateville, relaxing in the grass after a hard workout when I heard a soft female voice call my name. I turned to looked in the direction of the voice and saw my counselor. Counselors never come out to the yard so I knew in that instant that someone I love had passed away.
I don’t remember the counselor’s name, but I remember what she said to me: “ I need to tell you something and it’s going to be hard for you – your mother passed away.” She added, “I will be in my office if you want to talk and when you are ready, I will give you a direct phone call home.” In that moment, I felt like the whole world had crashed down on me.
A little later I got my phone call. Afterwards, a Lieutenant came up to my cell. He said he just wanted to make sure I was alright. Overall, I felt the prison staff did well by me. They did their jobs with, what I describe as: They displayed a professional understanding. My situation is the norm, close associates among the prisoners’ help you grieve. They provide the space for you to grieve. Every prisoner in the unit learns what is going on and even the ones you don’t associate with share a word or two of condolences.
I dealt with it the way most prisoners do. I withdrew from the everyday bustle of prison activity until I could get my bearings back, but through the years I have witnessed more extreme reactions like suicides, self-mutilations, psychotic outbreaks and prolonged bouts of depression. A couple of years ago I was in a different prison with a guy I grew up with. I’m still serving sentence number one and he was serving sentence number fifteen. While we were on the same deck, he was informed that his son had been shot dead in a gas station. He displayed no discernible external reaction. He kept up his same routine but from time to time, I would see his face fall and his eyes go vacant. All the while we were together on the deck, he never let his pain show.
Even today, the notification process is the same. You call and notify the prison about the death of an immediate relative and they put you on a line with a counselor. Counselors are responsible for monitoring the well-being of prisoners in their assigned units. The counselor will either give the prisoner notification or tell the prisoner to call home because of a family emergency and the security staff is alerted. Once the prisoner is notified, they can request to talk with the prison Chaplain or the mental health staff. If a prisoner acts irrationally, the security staff will put the prisoner in an isolated cell for evaluation.
Let me say this, if you are a parent or family member who is concerned that your loved one won’t handle the news well, call and voice your concern to the mental health staff. Request that they see your loved one. Follow up that request with another call. Follow up the follow up if you are not sure your concerns are being met. Prisons normally respond favorably to lawyer calls. If you can’t afford a lawyer, contact the Prisoner Advocacy Group operating in your state. In Illinois that would be the John Howard Association.
In a new development, prisons are allowing prisoners to receive video recordings of funeral and wake ceremonies. That is a good alternative to the high cost of paying for a funeral a writ. Funerals can cost thousands of dollars or more, depending on the distance traveled and the security staff that will be needed to transport the prisoner to the funeral.
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